Being Assertive Makes You Feel Good About Yourself

Being assertive is saying what you want and speaking up for yourself and your own needs and desires. Assertiveness involves expressing your wants and needs with clarity and conviction. Being assertive is an act of confidence and concern for your own well being.

But, you might ask, “Isn’t that just being selfish, self-serving, self-absorbed, and disinterested in the expressed wants and needs of others?” The answer is, “No.” When you are being assertive, you are expressing what you want and need but you are not demanding that others give you what you ask for.

Today I was assertive. I am captain of a tennis team and I wanted to play with a stronger partner than previously. So, I placed myself with someone I know is stronger and more consistent and wins a lot. But after I told my teammates the new lineup, two of them were perturbed. Each asked me separately, and very politely, to reconsider and put them together as partners for this next match. So, reluctantly, I conceded and did not get to play with the partner I had wanted.

But I felt so good expressing myself clearly and causing other people to have to explain their points of view. That gave me the freedom to either resist their wishes and aggressively charge onward with my own wants and needs or concede to their wishes, knowing that they have heard what I want.

When you are assertive, you offer others the possibility of negotiating with you. Each person is free to express what they want and desire. Perhaps you discuss the matter for awhile. Or, maybe you have no real power in the situation and you must concede to the other person’s requests. But even if you totally surrender to the other person’s desires, you have expressed what you feel is true for you and what you really want. And that person has heard you – even if they do not go along with what you say you want. And, perhaps some time in the future when you least expect it, that person will remember what you had asked for and actually offer it without your even having to ask. If not, at least you have not kept your feelings all bottled up inside.

Have you ever been totally passive in a situation? Or do you tend to be aggressive and bully or manipulate others into doing things your way and giving you what you want? If it is not already natural for you, try being assertive for the next few days - expressing what you want and encouraging others to express their desires - and then find yourself negotiating a solution. You might be surprised about how good you feel.

Relationship Problems? So What's New?

Sometimes I think the whole purpose for relationships, especially close, intimate relationships, is to make us struggle, suffer, and wish we could be alone. But then when our wish is granted, when we finally break up with this person who has been the "cause" of all of our suffering, something strange often happens. We begin to "miss" this person. We start to reminisce about all the good times, the good feelings, the happy moments, and the unlived possibilities. Often, in a very short time, one or the other makes contact and the relationship is right back where it was before. For a few moments or hours, or perhaps days, we are back on our honeymoon of love. And then, the relationship problems creep back in and we start feeling upset, angry, anxious, moody, frustrated, bored, or whatever our emotional tendencies are.

What's wrong with this picture? Why do close relationships often create intense emotional problems for us? Why do we remain in such painful, difficult claustrophobic situations? And, once we react in anger, gain the courage, develop the insight to take charge of our own life, and begin to move on, why do so many of us return right back into the lion's den?

The answer is quite simple. We are naturally social beings. We need others to know we exist, to validate our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. However, the media and our culture provide mixed messages about how "cool'' it is to be self-sufficient, independent, and even self-centered. And our well meaning "friends," in their attempts to help us do what they think is best for us, sometimes plant their own doubt, confusion and downright hostility into our minds just when we need to think our own thoughts.

So what's the deal? Why bother to get close to someone if it's only going to cause suffering and unhappiness? And why bother to have friends if we can't count on their unbiased wisdom in our times of need?

To me the solution is: Ask not what your relationship can do for you, but what you can do for your relationship? How would your relationship change if you practiced this principle? When your partner is not behaving "appropriately" and is hurting you unnecessarily, what would happen if you applied this new way of thinking? How might you respond in any relationship problem if your first concern is what you can do for your relationship, rather than what the relationship is doing or not doing for you?

It boils down to this. What do you believe is the purpose for your relationships? Is the purpose to please you and provide whatever you desire - or- is the purpose to help you develop greater self-awareness, compassion and insight into the thoughts and feelings of others so that you can overcome relationship problems and enjoy life?

If you would like to create a new way of handling your relationship problems but do not know how, a few sessions of counseling can make a huge difference. Seek out a qualified therapist and discover new possibilities for enjoying love and intimacy - perhaps for the first time in your life.